Yeah, it has been two years since my life was shattered. Nothing else that happened after that cataclysmic event really matters…Zero, Zilch, and Nada. Things that seemed strange or even absurd back then seem very normal right now. Do I miss the life I had back then? I don’t know, maybe I do deserve this. Hell yes, I miss that life, I miss her. Imagine having no one to share your little secrets with, imagine having no shoulder to cry on, imagine no one to cook fantabulous Brett Lee (Butter) Chicken and Coconut Rice for you. Imagine having a hole in your gut, well, this is a thousand times more horrible. The worst of all is having no one to call ‘Amma’, or as I put it, “Ben”.
Law School, she wanted to see me in one. Yet I feel like here I don’t belong here, like this is not meant to be.
I hate the day it happened, the day the hour and even the minute. Worst of all, the memories that I associate with those days, the pain, the anguish, the sense of being lost. The nightmares I still wake up to some nights, well make that, most nights. When I got my CLAT result, it was like I got a blow on my head. The person with whom I wanted to party, the one whom I wanted to see on my convocation day, well, just not there anymore. That day, when my other friends were happy, were partying for me, I was lost. I was in tears. I was surrounded by people, yet I felt lonely. I was frustrated. I still am. I lost her, in fact we lost her, Daddy and I. I wish I had been the one, and not her.
People say things; they say she’d be watching over me. They say she’s proud of me. I don’t think so. Not after what I did in law school. Never. It would have killed her to know what I did. It would have been her worst nightmare. I let my friends down. She’d have never forgiven me for that. I know I disappointed her. I just do. I hate myself for that. I could kill myself for that. After this, I can never be the daughter she wanted me to be.
She loved white lilies, just like I do. She was intelligent, smart and beautiful. She loved to read a habit which passed onto me. She was fascinated by the Constitution, just like I am. Law never failed to amaze and enthrall her; it does the same to me. She was perfect. She lived her life to the fullest. She loved me more than anything in this whole world. I’ll always love her.
No matter what I do in life, that’s assuming my tiny academically inactive brain lets me do anything, no matter what I achieve, that’s also subject to the conditions of my academically non functioning brain, I will always have no one to tell. No one, absolutely.
I lost my mum. Exactly one year and 10 odd months later, I lost my best friend. The whole in my gut just got bigger. Way bigger. The suddenly got a lot more lonlier.
Here’s a little lyric from a Sugababes song, I thought would be the perfect way to end this post:
“I was dumb, I was wrong
I let you down,
Now I know what I feel about you.
Can we bring yesterday back around?
Now I know what I feel about you.”
I know sounds strange coming from ‘Sugababes’, but it kind of completes the post. Ciao.
No comments:
Post a Comment